As i begin to write this, my plan is to be brief. I missed a night of sleep last night tending to my brother's comfort, which has been a bit of a challenge. Clark's pain is severe, and yet do to the brain mets he is unable to move anything except his eyes and closed lips. It is hard to determine his pain level when he is unable to speak or move. My experience has been that the hospice nurses have been reluctant to give him comfort meds (at least to the degree I desire) since he isn't acting agitated. Pulse is elevated with increased respiratory rate, and Clark has learned to pray through pain by being still. I have a few power struggles with the nurses, reminding them that I am their patient too. I have asked for prayer to fight against my pride and arrogance of thinking I am a much better nurse than some i have encountered!! The reality is: i must be a pain to have as a family member. Honestly. I can be particular and when it comes to the comfort and needs of someone i love (remember Dawn?) I can be "aggressive", I've been told. I'd like to think of myself as assertive. Anyway, as I see it, any pain is unacceptable to me and our family, however, I learned today that it is not realistic. I want him to sleep through the death process. I also learned today, that Clark needs to process his death, which he is not wanting to accept at the moment. So keeping him "snowed" is not the best for him.
It is really great for me to have all of my sibs here today. We are working together as a team to achieve a common goal, the peace, comfort and well being or our beloved brother. I am seeing the body of Christ in action, each bringing a unique and much needed role to the body. I function mainly as medical coordinator and care giver with a few knock knock jokes. Brian is tech head, hugger and taxi driver. Mike is organizer, food provider, hugger, and comic relief and chief stabilizer. Renee brings wisdom, spiritual direction and the provider of any forgotten toiletry. John brings harmony, male emotions, hugs, and just practical advice and responsibility. Lee needed to work on some of his own issues which is cool. And Chris brings reason, nurturing (especially for me), wisdom, and keeps us on track with our goals. And lastly Cheri, she brought scripture galore, prayer galore, tenderness, and has used a lot of tape to re-wall paper Clark's space with scripture, and has acted as the main communicator for friends and more distant family. We all have a part and we do it well. We wouldn't be as good without each part. Clark is blessed and we are blessed by him.
Please pray for further family cohesiveness with the Lord and His will for Clark. And that we can get Clark to more comfortable pain level. And please pray for Clark's ability to embrace and accept God's will for him at this time.
Resting in Christ,
Michele
Michelle - happy and relieved to hear you are surrounded by the people that love you. Especially happy to hear that Chris is there with you. I have to say you are a better nurse than those around you mostly because you love the patient more than they ever could imagine :) I am torn daily on whether or not to call you, I know this is all consuming. I just want you to know I am here from afar loving you and praying for you and supporting you. "And my
ReplyDeleteGod will meet all of your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus". Love you
Very sad to think you may feel that I am too busy to talk. I had left that text to you just so you knew I had received your message and I wanted more than anything for you to know that you were in my thoughts right then. I couldn't talk to you because I was in a position where we would have many interruptions, plus I had to time each swimmer as they went into the water. I know this is a hard time for you and you need many love ones around you. I am happy to hear you have support from your family right now. My prayer is that this will be a precious time for your family of bonding and loving each other and allowing each member to process grief and happiness as their personalities allow. You are a light in this world for all who come in contact with you. Continue to allow God to penetrate each thought and action daily. You are a blessing to me and I love you the best I know how. Please keep me updated and if you could send me an address as to where you are staying, I would love that.
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