Choosing Joy - (At least trying)

I titled this entry "Choosing Joy". It's an expression my dear friend Arbor (Ann W) often says when she has every reason to choose any number of negative feelings.
I'm currently in Colorado Springs, staying with some friends of my brother, Clark.
Let me give you a briefing to bring you up to date. Last December my 55 yo pastor brother, Clark, was diagnosed with head and neck cancer, first spotted on his tongue. (And he is a preacher!) After removing a quarter of his tongue, on Dec 23, 2010, and most of the lymph nodes on the right side of his neck, the cancer returned 4 months later in late March, now on the opposite side of his neck. He returned to surgery on April 5, removing a tumor the size of a large lemon and 42 lymph nodes. Biopsy report came back positive once again for squamous cell cancer, with characteristics of a sarcoma. Basically I've learned that the DNA is squamous cell, but it is aggressively metastasizing like a sarcoma. (sarcoma's are only 1% of all cancers, hard to cure). It appears the more we mess with the cancer the angrier it gets. I was just told last week that their is no more that modern medicine can do for him. Any healing and any life expectancy is up to our Lord.
Last weekend the cancer started to occlude his airway, after rushing to the ER, they took him into emergency surgery to clear the cancer away from his trachea, and inserted a HUGE trachea into his neck. His is now in ICU, sedated, on a respirator. His is restrained, unable to move him at all, not even to rub his back because the trach could perforate his airway. Tomorrow he returns to surgery to put in a more permanent, smaller trach.
It appears the cancer has spread to his brain (pupils unequal for you medical enthusiasts) his lungs, and his mouth is locked shut from the cancer. We are not sure of his mental state since they have kept him sedated since the current trach was so precarious. Sat. we will take him off sedation, and we are hoping that he will wake up and be lucid. He won't be able to talk without the use of his mouth, but God willing he will be able to write if he isn't too weak.
The prognosis is that Clark will move from his earthly life to his final home in heaven in a few weeks.
At this point we don't have a will, and little info regarding his assets, burial wishes or funeral service. I haven't had a chance to say Good bye, or even a "see you at home".
Please pray that he will be lucid so we can get the info we need, and so I can tell him one more time how much I love him. I also want to celebrate with him that he will soon see Jesus!!!
These last few weeks has been so emotionally hard for me. I feel God's presence, and I am try to relinquish my need to understand His ways, but it hurts! I often think of those of you who have experienced the passing of a close loved one (Allison, Denise, Ann, George and especially Carol) knowing that you all got through it, gives me strength and hope. What has made this especially difficult for me is that my sisters believe that Clark is already healed, and no matter how bleak the medical report is, they will not hold onto or be around any unbelief that he is not healed. So therefore, being at my brothers bedside is not what my sisters want. Cheri is here in the Springs with me. I have been able to see him, but I feel the tension from her. The thing is: Clark also believes he is healed. Until he was sedated he was standing firm on God's promises. In fact, I wanted to come care for him weeks ago (I was here for his surgeries, but Cheri took time off work to cover for me while I went on a much needed vaca with Chris), but he asked me not to come, because he didn't want to be around my unbelief. The knife is inserted into my heart with his cancer and then twisted!! When he became critical, Cheri called me to come, she was feeling overwhelmed with his medical needs (I am his advanced directive), so that is why I am here. Although I don't feel I can be at his bedside, I am keeping in touch with the nurses. I will be there during his surgery tomorrow and when they remove sedation on Sat.
I am living by the Spirit, one moment on a time. I keep hearing, agape love, agape love. This is not about me, but about God's will, and acting like him in this situation. Loving on my sisters, Clark and family.
FYI - I believe God could heal Clark at any time, I have tirelessly prayed for this outcome. But appears that He is not going to heal Clark, and I accept and trust His will. I don't believe that - Clark is healed and that if he doesn't get healed, it's his fault for lack of faith, or unbelief on his part that canceled out his faith! God does not teach this! You BSFers know this too!!
I'm sorry this entry is so long, but I wanted to bring you to date.
I am exhausted, and in much need of sleep. I plan to do an entry each day to keep you updated. The intention of this blog is for me to have a place to vent, to give you direction for prayers, and to keep you in touch because you are my people.
More tomorrow.
Thanks for being my people. I love you.
Michele